Gaslighting Myself written by Dr. Swatee Miittal

I gaslighted myself for almost a year into living a ‘fake’ dream.

Sharing a deeply personal experience here. 

I did not realize when a ‘fake dream’ entered my list of resolutions, my conversations, became my identity and began running my life. Until I realized one fine morning, after feeling completely exhausted mentally physically and emotionally that I was not enjoying my life at all.

I was ticking every box of ‘conventional’ parameters of success.

Yet I was getting miserable with every passing day.

Looking back now, most days appear as dull, hazy memories….

We did celebrate our success with each new client, when we went international and when more people joined the company, when the company financials looked promising!

But on the inside I was losing interest in life itself.

And that’s when it happened.

I witnessed the collapse, both in the internal world as well as the external world. I realized something.

Past few years I had been holding onto a ‘fake’ dream. Was it ever mine to begin with ? Or was I influenced into planting it inside me, by my environment ?

I had always loved the creative side of me – writing, directing, strategizing, researching, consulting and mentoring.

I absolutely LOVED IT !

But that got suppressed when I started being influenced by fancy ‘selling’ of ‘this conventionally constructed idea of entrepreneurship’.

Before I knew it, I was spending more than 80% of my day doing non-creative tasks and managing teams. Nothing wrong with that, but it was clearly not for me.

I missed my ‘immersive creative’ hours, my personal connection with my clients and their progress. I know it doesn’t fit into the ‘expected’ role of a conventional entrepreneur. But neither do I. 

I would earlier think that there was something really wrong with me for not ‘enjoying’ the ‘role’ & the ‘success’ coming my way.

I was successful. But was I happy ?

You might say that ‘happiness’ is temporary, ‘commitment and discipline’ is real.

And I hear you.

For months I told myself the same.

But my body kept a score of every single moment I suppressed it’s basic nature to indulge into something creative in order to fulfill the roles and responsibilities I was increasingly investing myself into.

When it had had enough it hit back !

My health completely broke down. No amount of doctors and therapies, medications could rescue me from my critical conditions as I fought alone for over 2 long years.

I finally had to STOP, NOTICE & ADDRESS IT !

What was it that really made me happy ?

Currently I am in the process of discovering myself all over again.

And honestly, nothing feels better….

If you are finding yourself burned out, losing interest despite success and good things happening to you, look out for Yourself.


Are you really working on building YOUR OWN DREAM ?

Or are you gaslighting yourself into spending your life over a FAKE BORROWED DREAM ?